Maynard… the best thing since sliced bread

On last weeks show I mentioned the amazing arrival of Maynard James Keenan to Fresno. For those of you who have been living under a rock, MJK is the lead singer of TOOL, A Perfect Circle, and Puscifer. The man is a God. I’ve seen TOOL in concert 3 times over the past 10 years, and have been a huge fan for as long as I can remember.

Let me tell you how insane I get over this man.

Back when I was 15…almost 16, I heard over the local radio station KRZR that TOOL was coming to Fresno. This was back in 98 and it was the show held at Fresno State. After I heard the radio announcer I fled out of my bedroom shrieking like a banshee heading towards my mother who was in the kitchen at the stove cooking something (obviously). I was so excited and amped up that when I reached her I grabbed at her. Instead of getting a grasp on her arm, I got her disgustingly bright neon lime green shirt. This shirt had been around since the 80’s and makes me get the Flashdance theme song in my head right now just even mentioning it. Anyways…. I had forgotten just how freaked out I was and the next thing I heard between my insane ranting was RRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!! I ripped her shirt with my beastly TOOL induced strength.

At that concert I almost had my nose broken, passed out for who knows how long from hyperventilating, and cried when they played “Pushit.”

The second time I saw them was in July 2002 down in Bakersfield for their Lateralus album tour. Again, they were so fantastic but there was no passing out, no risk of bone breakages, and unfortunately they didn’t play “Pushit” so no tears were shed.

In 2003 while in labor with my daughter I brought my DiscMan and while waiting for the fun pushing part (please detect the sarcasm) I did listen to a bit of TOOL and it was very helpful. Maynards voice could calm a pack of rabid and starving lions.

The third time I saw them in concert was in August 2006 for their 10,000 Days album tour. I had the pleasure of going with a friend of mine who had never seen them in concert before so he was a wee little virgin. Peter (that’s his name) drove all the way from Palo Alto for the show here in Fresno at Selland Arena and we had a blast. Both of us lost our voices for a couple of days because we were screaming out the songs.

All of these events lead me to where we are now.

Late last year Chris had mentioned to me that Maynard was going to tour some Whole Foods in promotion of his wine that he runs from Arizona. I thought I was going to have a heart attack until we saw that Fresno wasn’t on the list.

Last week Chris was on his way home from work when he sends me a text message alerting me that Maynard was indeed coming here and for me to look it up on the internet for day, time, and specifics. At the time I was on the phone with this super nice lady from Oregon State University because I was inquiring about their online Political Science program. It took all that I could to not get hysterical on the poor woman but I pulled it off. During the conversation I did look it up and texted with Chris a bit while the excitement was starting to build up inside my body. After getting off the phone with her I immediately called my Mom and left her the most pathetic/disturbing voicemail she has probably ever received.

I first started off saying “Oh my God! Oh my God! OH MY GOD!” In between the “oh mys” you could clearly hear me breathing. I proceeded to tell her everything but I all of a sudden started bursting into tears. I was so emotional and crazed that my throat started closing off and I couldn’t get out any words. The end of the message was me squeaking out that I had to go since well… I obviously couldn’t say a word! Chris and I were to go somewhere (I can’t remember right now where to save my life) and I got so messed up making that voicemail that I had to fix and reapply my makeup.

Ever since I found out that Maynard was coming here I kept calm. Every once in awhile I would get hella stoked but I was doing my best to stay calm so that I wouldn’t get anxious and maybe have a panic attack (I have a history of getting those). Then a bit of fear struck me that maybe I would freak out and possibly pass out  in front of the man that I have wanted to meet for over 10 years. I knew that all of it was going to boil down to a battle of wits and emotion since the odds of me crying were against me. My Mom was convinced that I would break down into a massive downpour of tears and I didn’t blame her. I was convinced I would too but I was going to do my best to not become “one of those.” By “one of those” I mean stupid girls that you would find at a Jonas Brothers concert.

On Tuesday, the day of his arrival, I woke up early because I couldn’t sleep. I believe I woke up around 7:45 which is way earlier than I usually do. At 8 Whole Foods started handing out tickets that would hold your place in line so after getting ready and driving there we arrived around 8:30. When we got there we saw this HUGE sign with a list of what we couldn’t do. I already had it in my head that I was going to take a massive amount of pictures. Not only for you guys and for this blog, but for myself because I would really want to remember this day. Chris even came up with the idea of maybe bringing one of my ticket stubs for him to sign in which I thought that was a really good idea. I had questions in my head that I was thinking about asking such as: “What is your favorite book?” and “What is your favorite video game?” I even laughed at how I would probably pull a Butthead and ask some stupid question. On the big board of NO I saw that no cell phones were allowed (not making this up), no cameras, no bags, no large purses, no coats (I know… it was raining, cold outside and it’s February but no coats. What the fuck ever.), that no other items besides wine bottles would be signed, and a bunch of other bullshit that I didn’t read.

Chris and I got our tickets and we were 108 and 109. Lucky bastard pulled the 108 lol. We went back home and vegged out on our Wii until we went back around 2 so that we could get in line. We were told that was the time they were going to start selling the wine. When we got back to Whole Foods we were told that it was actually at 3:30 so we went and got some lunch at the nearby Apple Bees.

Back in the waiting area we were told that we would be put in groups of 20, us being in 100-120 (obviously). While standing there we talked to some pretty cool people. One guy got to go as part of the first group so we didn’t get his name, then there was this dude named Dane who was super cool. We talked with him for a long time about various stuff and we even gave him the blog URL so Dane… if you are reading this hellloooo and I hope you enjoyed that day as much as we did. When we got into our little group to go get the wine we had this really nice woman named (I think… if I remember) Christy. She had seen TOOL almost 20 times and she was great to talk to. There weren’t a lot of women there and the ones that were there would have given my daughter nightmares for sure. Christy wasn’t one of them. If you saw her walking down the street you would have assumed she was into stuff like Dave Matthews or something (not that there is anything wrong with Dave Matthews…but I used him for the sake of creating an image).

Up to this point I was still really calm. Every once in awhile I got a little flutter of excitement but I was doing well. Chris and I had already picked out which wines we were going to get so when we got inside Whole Foods we were ready. After going through the checkout we had to stand and wait for the remaining members of our group to finish up with their purchases. Around this time I was starting to need to fidget to help with the nervous energy that was starting to build up inside of me but I was still good.

We then were escorted by a guy to the end of the shopping area where Sharper Image used to be and there was a short line there. The line went inside one of the empty building suites where Maynard was with his wine partner. I tried to get a peek but they were behind tall black drapes. Total bummer. Standing in that line really started to mess with me because to know that somebody you think is fucking amazing is only behind some flimsy curtain can be really exciting and crazy at the same time.

Since people were still being douches about what we could and couldn’t bring with us, before entering that room we had to take off our coats. I had a sleeveless shirt on underneath a woven sweater jacket and I still had to take that off. People were having to take off hoodies, pull over sweat shirts… it was incredibly ridiculous.

When we got inside the room we only had like 3 others in front of us and I could hear his voice as he was talking to a guy. I got this incredible flutter in my stomach and knew that I was in trouble. As we inched closer to our time with him I made one vital mistake: I peeked. I PEEKED!!!

What in the FUCK was I thinking?!?!?!?!??!?!

This entire time I had been perfectly fine and then I blew it by getting a peek of him for not even 20 seconds. As soon as I leaned back to my position I immediately knew it was all over. Teary, weepy me was about to emerge and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I turned my head upwards to look at the pipes in the ceiling and I even asked Chris to give me something to think about. Him, being clever as always, told me to think about the little squirrel we saw the other day that was flattened and ran over on this road.

Thanks for that Sweetie. It was great.

Then it was our time.

My time to stand in front of Maynard.

I know that some of you reading this probably think that I need professional help but haven’t you all had somebody that if you met them you would be completely over the moon? Even if they were fictional like a super hero they still count.

As soon as I took the steps closer to the table him and dude (yeah… he was so important I obviously remembered his name lol) were at I really started to weep like a damn baby. Maynard was so sweet though and he joked with Chris about it.

Maynard: “What did you do to her man?”

Chris: “What?”

Maynard: “What did you do to her? She’s crying.”

I know that it’s hard to get the tone through text but he was being cute about it. He then asked if Chris had hit me (maybe he had seen in the news about fucking broke ass Chris Brown beating up on a certain lady) and if he should have the police man who was to the left come over. I did laugh at that. Chris did make me look like a goof by saying that I was crying due to this making my life (which is true but why would you admit that? sheesh!!)

Then things got worse… at least for me and my weepage. I then heard a combination of words that I thought I would never hear from that mans mouth:  “You look pretty today.”


So here I am… in front of him and then I get to hear this? If it wasn’t for the fact that I enjoy living and have a lot that I am looking forward to, I could have dropped dead right then and there and been pretty cool with it. Hearing those words made me want to cry even more and I was able to squeak out the words “Thank you” to him. After that our time was up and then we left to get my coat and umbrella out from their little holding area.

As I was walking out there was another woman there who said that she was probably going to do the same thing (which, very selfishly, I admit that made me feel not so bad) but when I got to where my stuff was I felt like an ass because of the dude that was there working the event. I heard “Finally! Some passion!” directed towards me. Random dude was so nice to inform me that I was the first crier of the day.

Oh fucking joy to the world.

So… I’m sorry that I didn’t get you guys pictures, sorry that I didn’t get to ask any questions because I EPICALLY FAILED, and sorry to myself for being an ass.

On the show we will show you guys the bottles of signed wine and since Chris and I don’t drink, if you happen to buy a bottle and try it let us know what you thought of it.

– She Who Has The Last Word

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