Review: Privates (PC)

Review: Privates (PC)

I announced Zombie Cow Studio’s new game, Privates, September 17, and to be honest, it seemed rather strange and perverted. Now that I’ve had the chance to play the game in its entirety, let’s take a second look at it!

Before I played this game, I took a look at the studio’s website, some screenshots and watched the trailer. My initial thoughts were that this game was highly sexual and perverted, with no real goal or objective. As I admitted in my Incognito review, first impressions are not always right!

Like I mentioned above, I thought this game was going to be highly sexual. I thought it was going to be very adult-natured with detailed and correct images of the sexual organs and body parts. I was wrong. The whole game is very cartoon-like, and, aside from the mouth and some hair, you can hardly ever tell what part of the body you are walking along. I liked this, because it helped pick my jaw off the floor and focus more on the gameplay.

The second thing I noticed is that this game is very educational! So educational, in fact, that it blew even my mind! When you come across an STD or STI, you have to scan the area. Once the scan is complete, an informational fact sheet pops up with information on how you catch that infection or disease, signs and symptoms as well as which of your four available medications (or weapons) will defeat it!

I mentioned weapons. Well, there are four types. They are: anti-viral, anti-fungal, anti-bacterial and the blaster. Each defeats a certain disease or infection. For example, when you combat a yeast infection, you need to use the anti-fungal medication; the blaster for sperm; anti-viral for chlamydia, etc.  

Now that you know a little bit about how the game works, let’s take a look at the five levels:

  1. “The Way to Mount Vagina” will have you defeat sperm and some STDs from infecting a woman’s vagina. Here, you are also given a tutorial on how to use your different weapons.
  2. “Close to the Bone” has your squad of four landing on the hairy ballsack of a young man who must be itchy – because he is COVERED in pubic lice in addition to several other diseases.
  3. “Campaign to the Arse” has you outrun stinky poop and outlast the deadly HIV virus. Enough said.
  4. In this level, your character will be “Going Down” the throat and into the belly of a VERY infected young woman. Jokes are made about her being hungry, and you combat the “boss” – gonorrhea.
  5. In “Womb for One More”, players are taught that unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy, so it’s your goal to set off the “Morning After Bomb” and escort a fertilised egg to the bottom.

I felt as though this game has so much more potential than it gives itself credit for! As you may remember from my announcement of this game, Zombie Cow Studios is making this game available only on PC because it is said to not have a chance to “pass the Indie Games Peer Review process, purely due to its inherently sexual nature”. Well, I agree. The way the game is right now – is not for children. However, I feel as though if the crude jokes were removed (like the squad laughing about how hungry the woman must have been to chow down on so many young men!), this game may actually be highly useful in Sexual Education classes in high school. I know I would have listened more!

Also, I wanted to make a note, that this game had to have been created by gamers and their little quarks did not go unnoticed! By that I mean, any real gamer will recognise the comment “I think I hear a witch! Turn off your flashlights” and the squad asking “How do I throw grenades?” to be a sly comment towards today’s video game industry being bombarded with shooters, like Call of Duty and Left 4 Dead.

So, even if you don’t enjoy the underhanded comments or learn anything new about sexual health and the prevention of STDs, perhaps you will learn the same life lesson I did: make sure those around you know you are playing the game. I will never forget my Mom’s expression on her face, as she paused her game of Nier and gave me a blank stare as I screamed “No matter what I do, I can’t get rid of chlamydia!”

  • Austin Alan

    I started playing it while my wife was facebooking. I turned it up and she was distracted over and over again. Game is awesome!

    your review is spot on ^_^

  • Sammi

    Thx Austin! I really did love this game! It was interesting to see how they promoted sexual health through such a hilarious game! I would definitely recommend this game to other adults who would like a quick laugh 😀

  • Kyle

    Yes, but could this game deal with this situation?

  • Sammi

    I think that situation may be referring to this game! Lmfao

Lost Password

Sign Up