In which we talk about things that should not be feature films and Hollywood’s insistence that they should be.
I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I was gonna do something else this week. I had it all planned out, a nice little article. But then Hollywood dropped this crap bomb on us. They’re making a Missile Command movie. You you know what? I feel the need to have a talk with Hollywood. Hollywood, please sit down. I’m not here to yell at you. This isn’t about blame. This is to help you. We’re all here to help you. You don’t have to make terrible movies about video games. And you certainly don’t have to make terrible movies about video games that don’t even have a plot.
Really Hollywood, what are you planning to do here? What is the concept that just wowed you about this project? Missiles going up into the air? The same missiles coming back down? Cities blowing up? Because I sure can’t think of anything else that you could draw from this game. So, you guys want explosions and missiles? Why not just make any other action movie. Seriously, what else is there about Missile Command that makes you want to do this? Is it the name Missile Command? Do you think that name will help you sell tickets? Is there really a huge fan base of Missile Command devotees that you want to tap into? For the love of God people, you are making a movie about Missile Command! Explain yourselves!
But hey, I don’t want to stay on just one topic the entire time. Oh no, the announcement of the… Missile Command movie…God I can barely say it now… has brought back to my mind many other potent moments of WTF-ery. Like the Battleship movie that’s coming out soon. Hell, I think they’re already filming that one. And what do you think the Battleship movie is about? What do you think a classic board game adapted to the silver screen will be like? Huge naval battles? Lots of sinking ships? A cry of, “Dammit, you sunk my battleship!” Are you ready? Battleship is about…
Just let that sink in for a minute. A movie about aliens attacking the navy is somehow based on the board game Battleship. See, this right here, this is your problem, Hollywood. If you want to do a movie about aliens attacking battleships, that’s fine. Sounds awesome. See you there. But I want you people in Hollywood to realize one very important thing. There are no God damn aliens in the God damn game of God damn Battleship. Why say it’s based off of Battleship the board game? Does that really matter in the long run? I’m sure Hasbro is thrilled with it, but what about you guys? Or did the success of Transformers just blind you to the fact that not every toy in the world deserves to be a movie. And by the way, Transformers had a story before you people even thought of making a live action movie.
I just think upon all of these stupid, wasted adaptations, things like Asteroids and Joust and the Ouiji Board and friggin’ View-Master… God, a View-Master movie? Really? The words turn to ash in my mouth. I just think of all of these things and wonder: if all of these adaptations are 99% new material anyways… because let’s face it, there is not that much lore in the rich history to the View-Master saga… why don’t these studios just go out and get new material? Unless it’s what I struck upon before, that a name sells. But again, I must point out, will the masses see the name Asteroids or Battleship and say, “Hot damn I used to play that as a kid! I can’t wait to see how the story comes to life!”
Well, I’ve said my peace. All we can do now is just sit back and watch Hollywood go about with its horrid machinations. But you know one phrase that might help? Say it with me class. “Pirates of the Caribbean turned out pretty good. Maybe this will, too.” I understand if that does little to help.