In an announcement that is completely amazing and also completely true, the company that brought us Mario and Link and Rob the Robot and all our other favorite woodland critters has announced that they are updating Captain N. Are you ready for the next generation of video game heroes to star in a horrible television show? Because I certainly am!
Captain N, only rivaled by the legendary Pro Stars for the status of best children’s cartoon that is based on characters who really shouldn’t be teaming up teaming up to do stupid things, is back. Yes friends, we can now watch the now 40 year old Kevin use his Zapper and NES controller belt buckle fight video game baddies and a mid life crisis. We’ll also see updates to the classic NES characters that went along for the ride to help the Game Master. Mega Man, for example, will be an alcoholic, blown out and tired after so many sequels. Kid Icarus, meanwhile, is chronically depressed after being kept on the sidelines for so long. Simon Belmont has also gone through some changes, getting several plastic surgeries to look as effeminate as the modern Castlevania characters look. And Game Boy? Well, poor Game Boy is dead. Sky diving accident. Why did you do it Game Boy?! I know it looked fun, but you don’t even have any arms! How can you pull a parachute cord with no arms?! Oh God I miss you Game Boy!
Excuse me. I need a minute to pull myself together.
The news that Captain N is coming back with the old cast isn’t the biggest news of this completely not made up announcement. It’s not called The Next Generation for no reason. We’re gonna have the stars of modern day video games in there as well! Unfortunately, Nintendo hasn’t really created any good new characters since the NES/SNES days. What, are we gonna throw Captain Olimar in there? I think not. So we’re getting some fantastic new additions to the cast. For starters, we have Niko Bellic, Johnny Klebitz and Luis Lopez working with the team as a sub-group called the GTA Team. However, since this is a children’s cartoon GTA now stands for Great Three Amigos. They will be working under “Gay” Tony Prince who will be donning a suit of Iron Man style armor. Also planned to appear on the show is a character to reflect all the generic space marine games on the market. Named A. Space Mareen, he will spend 90% of his screen time crouching behind cover. Finally, to replace the dear departed Game Boy, Nintendo is trotting out a 3DS character. Nicknamed Three Dee, this character will make the eyes of any child under the age of six explode, so no children should watch this children’s show. There is little word on what villains would appear on the show, but sources say that it will copy the strategy of modern FPS games and have waves and waves of terrorists.
When asked to comment on why they would be bringing back a show like this, Nintendo of America President Reggie Fils-Aime merely started throwing office supplies at me while making high pitched clicking noises. He then made a really exaggerated face and disappeared, potentially to another plane of existence. That last part is pure speculation though.