You know what I learned from this movie? Witches are boring.
You’d think that a movie starring Nicolas Cage and Ron friggin’ Perlman as two crusaders who left the crusades because they don’t like killing innocent women and children only to be tasked with guarding a suspected witch as she is transported to an isolated monastery for execution would have… I dunno, something interesting happen. Let’s state who stars in this again. Nicolas Cage and Ron friggin’ Perlman. The guy from Con Air and Hellboy. Transporting a witch. In the middle ages. Through the scary dark woods and across scary mountains. And Ron friggin’ Perlman. This guy can make anything entertaining. He made Dungeon Siege briefly entertaining. But you know how many interesting things happen during their trip to that monastery?
None.
So yeah, the movie starts with Nick Cage and Ron Perlman… no, I will not be referring to them by their character’s names, as I honestly can’t remember them… fighting a crusader’s battle. And then another. And then another. And all of these battles seem to be the same battle with a filter on to make it appear to be dark or dusk or what have you. So then, Cage charges into a castle and stabs a young girl and suddenly discovers that crusaders do bad things. You’d think that he would have figured that out the very first time they raided an innocent town in the name of God, but whatever. So he quits, as does Perlman for… some reason, and they wander around for a few months. This unknowingly sets the tone for the rest of the film. You’ll feel like you’re wandering around a lot with nothing to do. We then come to some other big castle/town/city/thing that is chock full of the plague. And, like the calm and rational people of the 1200’s, they blame the plague on a witch. The church finds Cage and Perlman and, in not so many words, tells them to take the witch to the aforementioned isolated monastery for disposal or they can both just sit in a jail cell until they go to Hell. Cage, still feeling guilty about the whole killing an innocent girl in the name of God thing, agrees on the condition that she gets a fair trial upon reaching the monastery. Yeah, because that will totally happen. If you could think that the movie up until now sounds at all interesting, prepare for those thoughts to quickly vanish. Once they get out on the road, nothing happens.
Well, okay, things happen, but its all so… bland. And boring. And lifeless. Take, for example, a wolf attack in the dark scary forest. The witch girl makes a wolf sound. The wolves come. The heroes stab some wolves. Then they leave. The end. Really guys, that couldn’t have been done a little bit more interestingly? Some freaking wolves are attacking! They could at least be big wolves. And there could be more than five. But the biggest problem of this movie? Its called Season of the Witch, right? So where the hell is the witchyness? There is a witch. But there is almost zero use of magical powers or inhuman monsters or the like. Really, half way through the movie I thought this was like when I watched The Village and went in expecting a supernatural thriller and instead got a somewhat period piece drama. But then those last 20 minutes come and we get witch overload. Evil demons and crazy zombies and flocks of evil birds are everywhere. But by that point I could barely enjoy it. All I could think is, “Where the hell was all of this energy and action before?”
You know the worst part about reviews like this? With really bad movies I can just let loose and give it hell. I can create a profanity laden and hilarious review. But this? This is just boring. I can barely work up the energy to write the review in the first place. So you know what? I’ll just leave it at this. If you want a medieval action experience with witches and demons and stuff, just play Castlevania. Any will do really. But this witch is well out of season.
