So I found out today that we’re apparently supposed to be jumping on the food review bandwagon, now, as well. I must have missed the memo on that one, Chris. Thanks.
Dick.
Now that that’s out of the way, welcome to Marooners’ Nosh, our totally serious and not at all smart-ass gamer food review series!
I often get asked, “Thom, how do you pronounce your name?” Well, it’s pronounced just like Tom, but that’s not the point. Less often, I get asked what snacks I eat and drink to stay on top of my game. To answer this question that literally three people have asked me, I am setting out on a quest to discover that for myself, because I don’t actually snack while I game.
My journey started just down the street at my neighborhood 7-11. As I walked up to the door, a large sign caught my eye. “Big Energy Coffee,” it said. I asked myself, “Isn’t all coffee big energy coffee?” I was about to find out. Deciding that I should match the green of the sign with a green cup, because I make decisions arbitrarily like that, I paid the cashier in singles and walked home with a heaping cup of Big Energy Coffee. Black. I ain’t screwing with the energy.
The first thing I noticed was that it was hot. Scaldingly hot even. Turns out there was a warning for that on the lid; that’ll teach me not to read. So I waited, impatiently, for the beverage to cool to a drinkable level. I breathed in the aroma; it smelled like slightly burnt coffee and hot. Yes, hot has a smell. Stop judging me.
Success, it had cooled enough! With a mighty first sip, I tasted the potentially energetic brew.
It was a veritable party in my mouth. I just wish it had been a fun party. The extra B vitamins and ginseng clashed with the naturally bitter taste of the coffee in some sort of bitter-off. I think that the coffee got served, because the beans were not the final flavor.
Well, taste isn’t everything; that’s why Red Bull still commands the largest presence in the energy drink refrigerator. Off topic and for the record, I love the taste of Red Bull, but I’m weird like that. So the taste is vile, the aroma is shocking…how much energy does it pack into that semi-large cup? On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being water and 10 being PowerThirst (Crystal Meth), 7-11’s Big Energy Coffee rates in around a 6. Yeah, it’ll kick your butt into drive a little harder than normal coffee, but it isn’t exactly “Big” energy.
If I were in charge of things, I’d call it “Slightly More Energy Coffee.” Doesn’t really roll off the tongue, does it? What were you expecting, Don Draper? I think you expect too much, sir or madam. I write about games, comics, and tech, not food.
Until now.
Review
| Pros | Cons |
|---|---|
| Slightly more energy than regular coffee Party in my mouth | Tasted like bitter ass An ass party in my mouth |
| Rating |
